3 Jahre unter den Deutschen: Ein Rückblick

The 5th of September marks 3 years, to the day, since arriving with a planeload of huddled masses young Germans returning from their New York City vacations at Berlin's golden doors  Tegel Airport. So I thought this seemed as good an occasion as any to ease myself back into writing after a summer that saw me accomplish very little, thanks to a sneakily depressive inability to focus on much of anything for longer than 10 minutes. Alas. We can call this piece a review, an integration-check, or, perhaps more to the point, a "please, sweet Jesus, don't let me sound like that douchey American dude I overheard at a bar the other night whose accent was all fucked up from spending too much time abroad! Or wait, maybe he was just Canadian.." Yeah, let's go with that. It also serves as a bit of a debriefing after the reverse culture clash of spending six weeks back in the US this spring. Enjoy.

Despite Berlin's hype as some cosmopolitan super hipster Williamsburg-an-der-Spree, in the end, Berlin is in Germany and the culture, attitudes, expectations, institutions, popular knowledge, etc. that make up and shape everyday life are different from those I grew up with. Not like, Kabul or Pyongyang different, mind you, but still. Living in that for three years has to have had some appreciable affect on how I speak (even in English), how I interact with other people, my expectations, my points of reference, and the way I think. As I realized while having a long talk with a friend last week: I actually have no American friends, or even middlingly familiar American acquaintances, here, at all. Vielleicht soll ich doch mit dem ganzen Ami-scheiß aufhören und mich ab jetzt Flori-fabi-christi-an nennen!? Nee, lieber nicht. It's not like I've made a conscious effort to avoid Americans. Not at all, honestly! I'm over the pretentious Andy-circa-2007 "I did study abroad and most of my new friends weren't other Americans doing study abroad, so look at me amn't I great" stage. That's stupid, because, you know, there are some pretty OK Amis. But perhaps this is a topic better explored in depth in another post. Bottom line: immersed in a new culture, one changes. I've changed, too.

So here are a couple random thoughts, compiled into listicles, sans GIFs, to explore.

Nowadays, I:
- Can't start a beer without cheers'ing - it feels wrong. Though that 7 years bad sex thing is bullshit.
- Can recognize a good proportion of the German men's national soccer team on sight. Oh, Per, why'd you have to go?
- Can go days at a time without encountering a German word or expression I'm unfamiliar with. (!!!)
- Think Obama sucks, but not for the reasons most Americans who thinks he sucks do so.
- Think Germany is shitty, but then secretly think Germany is actually pretty good in a lot of ways. Which seems to me to be a really common German trait. Taken to its extreme, however, this Heimatszwiespältigkeitsgruppenonanie (I coin this word!) results in proclamations of Deutschland being so Kacke and how you just think of yourself as European, really... and then later you join in smug comment rounds on articles from the US about kids shooting their machine gun instructors in the head by accident and isn't that just typical stupid Amis and that would never happen here, we're just so enlightened, smug smug smug wank wank wank. Bastards.
- Notice how loud groups of Americans sound in public places.
- Don't find, for example, frank discussions of society's treatment of pedophiles at a dinner with people I've just met to be at all a surprising topic of conversation. Ditto for other topics like politics, religion, social issues etc. that are deemed "not polite conversation" by a lot of people back "home". Ok, so the Germans don't smile and act like it's amazing to meet you right away, but they don't hold back on the sharing once you get them going.
- Have a far greater attention span in conversations, and give others a lot more time to make complicated points. The 6 weeks in the US this spring drove home to me how much of conversation there consists of people shooting off 20-second soundbites and then cutting you off if you go "over time"...
- Both talk and think far, far less about carbs and calories because they're simply not things people talk about here. They talk about how best to "nourish oneself"/ "sich ernähren" instead. You Americans can continue keeping those calorie demons in the hole, though. As you wish.

- Do not support blanket bans on smoking in public places/all bars. Get a grip, people. And bring on marijuana legalization, Dland! And public drinking everywhere, America!
- Unintentionally (as in, not for humorous purposes) come out with bizarre constructions like "I already three years ago.." in English. Slap me when I do this, please.
- Am blunt and slightly sharp right back to people when they're that way with me. Here, bizarrely, it results in the interaction becoming friendlier, rather than escalating it into greater tension. Berlin, wa?

Yet, I still:

- Can't bring myself to wish people "Guten Appetit" before they start eating. It's just silly. Dig the fuck in, I'm sure your appetite doesn't need my verbal encouragement.
- Insist on speaking English most of the time when I'm one-on-one with my closest friends because I'm wittier in English. Sorry. It's objectively just a funnier language. (I'm also lazy.)
- Immediately pretend I can't understand German when encountering crazy people/ticket checkers/the police/anyone where feigning ignorance might help me get out of the situation on a slightly better footing than otherwise would be the case.
- Can't understand why they can't figure out a fairer way to spread out the cost of the public broadcasters.
- Ditto on the weird health care setup. The NHS makes more sense.
- Prefer cake that is mostly cake, and not a half inch of cake topped by fruit suspended in weird gelatinous sugar, topped by pudding, topped by whipped cream. That's like, a trifle or some shit.
- Probably still talk as loudly as those groups of Americans in public.
- Always forget that using the words Jew/Jews/Jewish makes everyone really uncomfortable. Not because they're anti-semitic, but because they're really scared of sounding anti-semitic. Chill kids, it's not your fault your grandparents/great grandparents became banally murderous psychos for 13 years.
- Have no patience for this natural/homeopathic/herbal stuff. Load me up on ibuprofen and give me those drugs that may or may not be shown to cause birth defects a few years from now. At least they work. Organic food, on the other hand, I can deal with.
- Refuse to drink a G&T with lemon. Give me limes, or give me death! (Or a different drink.)

Culture shock no matter where I go!

In a week's time, I will be setting off for America for a whole six weeks packed with wedding festivities, family time, visits with friends, and sight-seeing with one German lesbian. It will be the longest single stretch of time I will have spent in the homeland since wandering out to Germany in September, 2011. This seemed as good an occasion as any to reflect, not too seriously, on what's grown on me about Germany, and what I still can't quit missing about America. So, two lists, each with the aspects of life I miss about one country when in the other. Family and friends go without saying.

What I miss about America when I'm in Germany

• A broad scattering of things I'll lump together under "the taken-for-granted trappings of everyday multiculturalism"
• Being able to go to the supermarket and getting ingredients for a wide range of "international" foods, without paying through the nose. Ricotta cheese should not be cheaper in America (far from Italy) than it is in Germany (just a skip north over Switzerland!). The things that German grocers seem to deem "exotic" can sometimes be baffling.
• Ditto for non-German beers. Belgian beer is cheaper in America (not in the EU), than in Germany (neighbors!). Por que? 
• People not having some weird prejudice against garlic. Garlic ≠ spicy.
• People generally having internalized what is politically correct, and what not, to say. Even when you mean something nice by it, calling little black children you see on the street "chocolate sprinkles" is not really ok. (Here's looking at you, Gudi.)  
• General acceptance of the name Kevin as being totally OK. 
• Jews. Love you, guys!
• The ability to watch TV series as soon as they air, on TV, legally, instead of illegally streaming them the next day on one's computer. 
• Cursing. For having such a.. history.., Germans just can't curse. Drop the f-bomb more often, Germans, you'd loosen up a lot! 
• There only being one word for "you". Ditto with everyone just being on a first-name basis.
• Being able to cross the street on a "don't walk" sign without an old lady yelling at you about setting a bad example. 
• Smalltalk and, relatedly, people generally being more willing to strike up conversation with people they don't know in public/social settings. There are more topics than work/insurance and regional stereotypes! (Poor people from Ost-Friesland, Sachsen, Westfalen, etc. You all get such a bad rap! The Sachsonian accent is totally easier to understand than the southern ones.)
• Warm breakfast.

Things I miss/would miss about Germany when I'm in America

• A healthy belief in the democratic state, as the highest form of democratic social organization, to address the needs of society. Not leaving it up to charities to maybe eventually help poor people. Etc. I mean, people really expect this shit to just work!
• Relatedly: a general sense of entitlement to things like a decent place to live, time and money for long vacations (twice a year), high quality education, health care, etc. 
• A healthy wariness of the security and surveillance state. Asylum for Snowden now!
• Not debating scientific findings as if they are matters of political opinion. Understanding the scientific consensus on global warming, evolution, etc., are not left-wing positions, nor are they matters of opinion. They are observations about the physical world, supported by data! Rebutting them requires more than saying, "well, that's your opinion. I'm entitled to my own." No, you're not.
• Consistency. Germans will tut at you if you use paper plates at a party but still want to call yourself environmentally conscious. 
• Public drinking.
• Relatedly, a general lack of moralizing about alcohol, smoking, sex, and other things that people really enjoy. So have a schnapps, light up a cigarette, and get ready for your next fetish related event. Schlager Nacktparty, anyone? 
• Relatedly, a half liter of beer, in a bar, for less than what you'd pay for a tiny American bottle of beer. Drinkable wines for 2-3 Euro a bottle from the supermarket.
• People recognizing that work is a part of one's life, but not the purpose of one's life.
• Pflaumenmus. 
• The word "doch". Best. Word. Ever.
• The division of the year into Zeiten devoted to the eating of a specific, seasonal foodstuff. Spargelzeit, Erdbeerzeit, Grünkohlzeit, etc. Relatedly, Adventzeit (aka Glühwein-Marzipan-und-Lebkuchen-Zeit).
• The capacity to both be corny, and to tolerate an astonishing level of corniness in others. Because, if everyone's that corny, then it's ok. Everyone in the club dancing like a bunch of old white people at a christening party? I'm down with that.
• Not having to massively tip everyone for everything just because they are so shittily paid otherwise.

Things I miss about the UK when I'm in both countries

• Everyone being so goddamn witty all the fucking time. The average British nine-year-old has mastered a fluency in irony and wit even the most adept German or American adult could not even dream of achieving.
• False self-deprecation. Like when I was at an academic event in Berlin last year, and a young British academic introduced her work, peppering her presentation with phrases like "Oh, my whole theoretical grounding is probably complete rubbish" and "Oh, my findings are probably completely meaningless, just really, bollocks really, I should have spent another year in the field.." etc. The Germans' facial expressions were just priceless. 
• Ale. (Though America is better on the "beers that taste like something" front than Germany. Ironically.)
• The phrase "for fuck's sake".